注文の多い料理店 English

Two young gentlemen, dressed exactly like British soldiers, rifles gleaming on their shoulders, two polar-bear-like dogs in tow, were walking along and talking in the deep heart of the mountains, through a place where the dead leaves rustled dry underfoot.

"Honestly, the wildlife in these mountains is outrageous. Not a single bird or beast anywhere. I don't care what it is — I just want to take a good bang-bang shot at something soon."

"If we could put two or three rounds into the yellow flank of a deer, that would be pretty satisfying, wouldn't it. It would spin around and then thud right over, I imagine."

It was indeed deep in the mountains.

So deep, in fact, that the professional hunter who had guided them became confused for a moment and wandered off somewhere.

On top of that, the mountains were so terribly eerie that the two polar-bear-like dogs both became dizzy at the same time, howled for a while, then foamed at the mouth and died.

"That's a loss of two thousand four hundred yen for me, I can tell you."

said one of the gentlemen, lifting one of the dog's eyelids briefly to look at it.

"Mine is a loss of two thousand eight hundred yen."

said the other, hanging his head in vexation.

The first gentleman's color went slightly pale, and he said, staring steadily at the other gentleman's face:

"I think I want to head back."

"Well, I've gotten quite cold and my stomach is starting to growl, so I want to head back too."

"Then let's call it quits here. On the way back, we can just buy ten yen's worth of mountain pheasant at yesterday's inn."

"There were rabbits too, weren't there. In the end it amounts to the same thing. Let's go back, shall we."

The trouble was, however, that they had absolutely no idea which direction to go to get back.

The wind came rushing in, the grass rustled with a shh-shh sound, the dead leaves clattered dry, and the trees groaned and knocked.

"God, I'm hungry. My sides have been aching terribly for a while now."

"Same here. I really don't want to walk any more."

"I don't want to walk. Oh, how awful — I want to eat something, anything."

"I want to eat something."

The two gentlemen said these things to each other among the rustling pampas grass.

Just then, when they happened to look behind them, they saw a splendid Western-style building standing there.

And at the entrance was posted:

RESTAURANT

Western Cuisine

WILDCAT HOUSE

Yamaneko-ken

on a sign.

"Old fellow, this is just perfect. This place is quite civilized, you know. Let's go in, shall we."

"Well, fancy that, in a place like this. Still, at any rate, they must be able to serve some food."

"Of course they can. It says so right on the sign."

"Let's go in. I'm so hungry I'm about to collapse."

The two men stood at the entrance.

The entrance was built of white porcelain brick, truly magnificent.

A glass folding door stood there, and on it was written in gold letters:

"Please, everyone, do come in. There is absolutely no need for reserve."

At this, the two men were exceedingly pleased and said:

"How about that — the world really is a fine-tuned place, isn't it. We had such a hard time of it today, and now something this good comes along. This place is a restaurant, but apparently they treat you for free."

"That must be it. 'There is absolutely no need for reserve' — that's what it means."

The two pushed open the door and went inside.

It opened straight into a corridor.

On the reverse side of the glass door, in gold letters, it said:

"Particularly stout guests and young guests are most welcome."

The two were absolutely delighted at the phrase "most welcome."

"Old chap, we qualify for the most welcome treatment."

"We fulfill both conditions."

As they proceeded briskly down the corridor, they came upon a door painted in a watery blue color.

"What a strange house. Why on earth are there so many doors?"

"This is the Russian style. In cold places and mountain regions they're all like this."

And just as the two were about to open that door, they saw written above it in yellow letters:

"Our establishment is a restaurant with many requests, so please kindly be aware of that."

"It must be doing quite a lively business. Up here in the mountains like this."

"Of course it is. Think about it — even in Tokyo, big restaurants are rare on the main streets."

Chatting away, the two opened that door.

On its reverse side was written:

"There will be quite a number of requests, but please bear with each one of them."

"Now what on earth is this supposed to mean?"

One of the gentlemen frowned.

"Well, I'm sure it means that there are so many orders that the preparations are taking time, so please excuse us — something along those lines."

"That must be it. I'd like to get into a room soon."

"And sit down at a table."

But annoyingly, there was yet another door.

And beside it hung a mirror, with a long-handled brush placed beneath it.

On the door, in red letters:

"Guests, please tidy your hair here, and then remove the mud from your footwear

before entering."

it read.

"Well, this is entirely reasonable. I was looking down on the place just now at the entrance, thinking it was just a mountain establishment."

"It's a house with strict etiquette. Quite distinguished people must come here regularly."

So the two neatly combed their hair and knocked the mud off their shoes.

And then what do you think happened?

The moment they set the brush down on the board, it grew hazy and vanished, and a great gust of wind rushed into the room.

Startled, the two drew close together, rattled open the door with a clatter, and went into the next room.

They both felt that if they did not quickly eat something warm and regain their energy, things would soon come to a hopeless state.

On the inside of the door, something strange was written again.

"Please leave your rifles and bullets here."

Looking around, there was a black stand right to the side.

"Of course — there's no law that says you must eat with a rifle in hand."

"Indeed, quite distinguished people must come here all the time."

The two unslung their rifles, undid their cartridge belts, and set them on the stand.

There was yet another black door.

"Please remove your hats, overcoats, and shoes."

"What do you say — shall we?"

"Nothing for it — let's remove them. Whoever is in the back must certainly be someone very distinguished."

The two hung their hats and overcoats on pegs, slipped off their shoes, and padded into the door in their stocking feet.

On the reverse side of the door:

"Tie pins, cufflinks, eyeglasses, wallets, and other metal items,

especially anything pointed — please leave all such things here."

it was written.

Right beside the door stood a fine black-lacquered safe, its mouth open and waiting.

A key had even been provided.

"Ah, I see — they must use electricity in some part of the cooking. Metal things are dangerous, especially pointed things — that's what it's saying."

"That must be it. Which means we settle the bill on the way out here, I suppose."

"That does seem to be the case."

"Yes. Certainly."

The two took off their eyeglasses, removed their cufflinks, put everything inside the safe, and clicked the lock shut.

A little further along there was another door, and in front of it sat a single glass jar.

On the door it said:

"Please apply the cream from the jar thoroughly to your face, hands, and feet."

Looking at it, the contents of the jar were indeed dairy cream.

"Why on earth must we apply cream?"

"Well, it's terribly cold outside, isn't it. If the room inside is very warm, your skin will crack from the sudden change, so this is a preventive measure. There must be quite distinguished guests in the back. Unexpectedly, we might find ourselves rubbing elbows with the nobility here."

The two took the cream from the jar and applied it to their faces, their hands, and then took off their socks and rubbed it into their feet as well.

Since some still remained, each of them, pretending to apply it to his face, quietly ate it up.

Then they hurriedly opened the door, and on its reverse side:

"Have you applied the cream thoroughly? Have you rubbed it well into your ears too?"

it read, and a small jar of cream was placed there as well.

"That's right — I hadn't put any on my ears. I nearly let my ears crack. The proprietor here is truly thorough in his preparations."

"Yes, the attention to fine details is remarkable. But I am so eager to eat something — it's really no good if the corridor goes on like this forever."

Immediately in front of them was the next door.

"The food will be ready very shortly.

We will not keep you waiting fifteen minutes.

You may eat immediately.

Please first shake the perfume from the bottle thoroughly over your head."

And in front of the door stood a gold-gleaming bottle of perfume.

The two splashed the perfume over their heads with a pat-pat-pat.

However, the perfume smelled strangely of vinegar.

"This perfume has a peculiar sour smell. What can have happened?"

"Someone made a mistake. A servant must have caught a cold and mixed up the bottles."

The two opened the door and went inside.

On the reverse side of the door, in large letters, it said:

"There have been so many requests, and they have been so tedious — I am sorry for the trouble.

This is the last of them.

Please take plenty of the salt from the jar

and rub it all over your body."

Sure enough, a fine blue porcelain salt jar sat there, but this time — this time above all — both men gave a start and stared at each other's cream-smeared faces.

"Something is very wrong here."

"I think so too."

"All these 'many requests' — it's the other side making requests of us."

"Exactly. Because, the way I see it, a Western restaurant is not a place that serves Western food to the people who come in, but a place that turns the people who come in into Western food and eats them. That is to say, in other words, th-th-th-th-that means we are……"

He began to tremble — rattle-rattle-rattle-rattle — and could say no more.

"That is to say, w-w-we are…… aaahh."

He began to tremble — rattle-rattle-rattle-rattle — and could say no more.

"R-run……"

Still rattling, one of the gentlemen tried to push open the door behind them, but what do you think — the door would not budge even a fraction of an inch.

Further in was one more door with two large keyholes, cut in the shape of silver forks and knives, and on it was written:

"Well, you have gone to quite some trouble.

You have prepared yourselves splendidly.

Now, now — please come inside our stomachs."

it was written.

What is more, through the keyholes, two blue eyeballs were blinking and peering over at them.

"Aaahh!"

Rattle-rattle-rattle-rattle.

"Aaahh!"

Rattle-rattle-rattle-rattle.

The two burst into tears.

Then from behind the door came a hushed whispering:

"It's no good. They've figured it out. It doesn't look like they'll rub in the salt."

"Of course not. The boss wrote it too clumsily. Writing all that nonsense there — 'There have been so many requests and they have been so tedious, I am sorry for the trouble' — what a foolish thing to put."

"Either way it doesn't matter to us. They're not going to share even the bones with us."

"That's true. But if those fellows hadn't come in here, the blame would fall on us."

"Shall we call them? Let's call them. Hey, dear guests, please come quickly! Come in, come in, come in! The plates are all washed, and the greens have already been salted and kneaded nicely. All that remains is to arrange you and the greens together nicely and place you on the white plates. Quickly, please come in!"

"Yes, come in, come in! Or perhaps you dislike salad? In that case, shall we light the fire right now and fry you up? At any rate, please come in quickly!"

The two men were so distressed that their faces became entirely crumpled like crushed waste paper; they looked at each other's faces, trembled all over, and wept without a sound.

From inside came a huffing laugh and then more shouting.

"Come in, come in! If you weep like that, all that carefully applied cream will wash right off, won't it! Yes, right away! We'll bring it out in a moment! Now, quickly, please come in!"

"Come in quickly! The boss has already spread his napkin, taken up his knife, and is licking his lips waiting for you, our dear guests."

The two wept and wept and wept and wept and wept.

Just then, from behind them, suddenly:

"Woof, woof, gwaah!"

came a cry, and the two polar-bear-like dogs burst through the door and came leaping into the room.

The eyes vanished instantly from the keyholes; the dogs growled low and circled around the room for a while, then with one more bark

"Woof!"

they leapt at the next door with a loud cry.

The door swung open with a clatter and the dogs flew through as if sucked inside.

From deep in the pitch darkness beyond that door:

"Nyaao, kwaaah, gororo-goro."

came a sound, followed by a rustling.

The room vanished like smoke, and the two were left standing in the grass, shivering with cold.

Looking around, their jackets, shoes, wallets, and tie pins were hanging from branches here and there or scattered about among the roots.

The wind came rushing in, the grass rustled with a shh-shh sound, the dead leaves clattered dry, and the trees groaned and knocked.

The dogs gave a low growl and came padding back.

And from behind them came the sound of:

"Sir! Sir!"

someone calling out.

The two suddenly recovered their spirits and

"Oi! Over here! Come quickly!"

they shouted.

The professional hunter, wearing a straw hat and cape, came pushing through the rustling grass toward them.

At that, the two men finally felt at ease.

They ate the rice dumplings the hunter had brought, bought ten yen's worth of mountain pheasant on the way, and returned to Tokyo.

But the faces of the two men — which had once crumpled like waste paper — never returned to their former shape, no matter how many baths they took after coming back to Tokyo.